I go through life quite sanely
As sanely as I can
Without too much excitement
For, I’m not that kind of man.
But, when it comes to bed-time
A funny thing occurs –
In my chest, a choking feeling
That grows from bad to worse.
My breath comes out all wheezy
And she asks, am I OK?
I reply, I need a puff,
Of that great inhaler stuff,
To help me on the way.
Oh, just a puff, a squirt, a gasp of it
Will help me keep my cool
So pass me over the Ventolin
(I’ll follow all the rules).
Being breathless is a crazy thing
Completely occupies my mind
Upsets all my systems
And my way of life you’ll find.
Now, there’s just one thing to do
To stop me feeling queer
And, to show you’re truly kind to me …
Please pass me the Ventolin, dear.
Well, I cope with that all right
It’s just a part of life.
Like missing out on breakfast
Or getting nagged at by my … er … kids.
UNTIL – my nose begins to clog up
And my eyes both start to roll
Because with chest and nose all stuffed up
I can get no breath at all.
About then I start to panic
My mind it whirls away
And I know I need a puff
Of some great inhaler stuff
To see me through the day.
You know a puff, a squirt, a snort of it
Is really just the stuff
So lead me to the Beconase
(It’s just like taking snuff!!)
Oh, it’s the strangest of sensations
When your airways misbehave
The thing you must remember
Is to re-main very brave.
And please, don’t go over-dosing
For that would be, Oh, so naive
Now squirt me over that Beconase.
Ah, me, when none of this will work
And life’s a weary worry
There’s nothing I can do
But breathe slowly – sad and sorry.
I’ve just contemplated suicide!
It’s like breathing through a bone
When my doctor’s worked a miracle
By prescribing Cortisone!!
© Frank Prem, 1998